When someone asks you “How are you”. You’ll never say “horrible, I’m actually feeling like shit, but thanks for asking”. No, we always come up with the same scripted “fine, how about you?” I wonder why that is. Do we not want them to think we can’t handle things? Or is it just a “I don’t want to bother anyone else with my problems” kind of thing? Either way… sometimes, you just can’t hide you’re not feeling your best. i’m sure we’ve all been in this situation where you feel very bad, and you keep fighting your tears and emotions, but the second someone looks you in the eye and asks “are you okay?”… you just lose it.
The past few years, I have “lost” it about a million times. What exactly has caused this bad period of my life?… I honestly don’t know. I do know that whatever it was resulted in me not being “me”. At all. It affected me in everything I did. There were days were I wouldn’t leave my bed, times where I wouldn’t leave the house for a week and moments where I just burst out into tears in public and wouldn’t stop crying for an hour. During those four years i’ve lost weight, gained weight, then lost it again, gained it again… I’ve been a bigger jojo’er than any celebrity out there. And then I haven’t even mentioned the panic attacks yet. Those little devils always came up when I was finally having a good day. Panic Attacks are hard to understand if you’ve never had them yourself. (And hey, I do understand it’s weird to see someone freak out for no obvious reason, but don’t be a jerk and make fun of them. They’re going through the most horrible 20 minutes of their lives and someone mocking them isn’t going to make them feel any better. Trust me, I know.)
About a month ago, some things happened that made me crash completely. First, I just felt absolutely numb inside, I couldn’t feel a thing. After that phase… I just collapsed. I picked up old, very bad habits and had three (!) Panic Attacks that week. but then, after having the biggest panic attack i’ve had in years, all alone in a hotel room, 200 kilometers away from my comfort zone, i’d decided enough was enough. It was like I could suddenly see everything so much more clear. I realized nothing and nobody is worth ruining myself. And just like that, I started to feel better. Not only about what happened earlier that month, but about everything that had happened during that shitty time of my life. It was like the very dark clouds in my head just drifted away, and slowly but surely, the sun is coming out. For the first time in forever, I’ve been feeling like myself again. The old, real me is finally back and trust me, “Old, Real Evi” is much more fun than the person i’ve been lately. Obviously, there are still some bumps in the road that I call my life, but I’ve decided not to let them get to me that much anymore. There have been times where I felt so lonely, like I had lost anyone who meant anything to me. Now I realize, that wasn’t true. I am so blessed to have wonderful friends and family, even when I shut them out, didn’t let them get close to me… they were always there for me. Things like the recent Ukraine plane crash make me realize that life is way too short to be anything but happy. That may be a very cliché thing to say, but it couldn’t be more true.
Life can get hard sometimes. it WILL get hard sometimes, but don’t let anything or anyone stop you from chasing your dreams and don’t push away the people who love you. Know that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something, you are NOT alone, no matter huw much you’ll feel like you are, you’re not. Never ever stop believing it will get better, because I promise you, it will.